5 Super Easy Ways To Stop Going It Alone

April 24, 2016 By John T Mason Leave a Comment

Undoubtedly, one of the most difficult leadership jobs has to be leading a group of volunteers. It seems like it should be easy. Everyone volunteered because they are passionate about the organization, the mission or the cause being worked on. Surely they’re committed to whatever level of work it takes to support the organization. But, the reality is, leading volunteers can be taxing physically, mentally and emotionally. While the volunteers are passionate about the cause, they inevitably hit a wall where their passion succumbs to the daily pressures they face outside the organization they want to support. When the reality of a “paying job’, family or other responsibilities overtakes their passion, they start to step back, fail to show up, or do less than their best work. In some ways, this is as detrimental to the organization as if they hadn’t shown up in the first place.

But, leading in the work place is much easier, isn’t it? After all, people are paid to be there, and they don’t even have to be passionate about the mission or goals of the organization. They just need to show up and do what’s asked. Right? Wrong….

Just because someone is paid to do a job, we all know that this isn’t a guarantee that they will show up with their best efforts every day, or that they will go above and beyond the job to take care of customers or team members. And even if you are their peer, there’s no guarantee that the other team members will really give it their all to help you out and make sure you’re successful. The reality is, leading up and down the organization is much easier than leading across, amongst your peers.

Patrick Lencioni talks about the importance of making sure your peers are successful in his book “The Five Dysfunctions of a Team.” In fact, he talks about this group of people as your ‘number one team.’ He says that this group of people, your peers, is so important, that not taking care of each other can be more detrimental to the organization than not taking care of the team you lead. The theory is, if every leader worries more about themselves than they do the overall organization (e.g. my department results are the most important thing I need to focus on), it is a forgone conclusion that decision-making will suffer, and the organization as a whole will suffer right along with it.

leading up and down the organization is much easier than leading across Click To Tweet

But, no matter how hard we try, getting everyone on a team to agree to this, and focus on each other as ‘Team #1’ continues to be an elusive idea. No doubt you’ve experienced this behavior first hand with your peers before. Let’s look at a fictional (or is it?) scenario.

A high-performing group of peers gathers to discuss ideas on how to solve a significant issue in the organization. It’s a good team, where folks feel the right to speak up, disagree (without being disagreeable) and share their opinions and ideas. Collectively, you take on the role of driving the conversation and even tell the group you are willing to take notes and send them out when some final decisions are made. The meeting seems to go great, and everyone seems on board for implementing the new ideas. In fact, they are downright fired up to see some of the changes implemented.

A couple of days later, you send out an email with a summary of the discussions and a list of the ideas that everyone agreed to. At the end of the note you ask each person to send a note back to you telling you what task they are willing to take on. It’s then that you feel like you can hear crickets chirping. No response, or the inevitable “I’d love to….but I am really busy right now” response. It’s then when you realize that leading peers is the hardest of all leadership roles.

You shouldn’t be too surprised with the response though. It’s not uncommon, and is grounded in a psychological phenomenon called the ‘Bystander Effect’, or the ‘Genovese Syndrome.’ This syndrome was first identified in the 1960s after the murder of a young lady named Kitty Genovese in Queens, New York. Coming home from work one evening in 1964, Kitty was attacked outside an apartment complex multiple times by the same man. During the hour that it took for him to assault her, no less than 38 people physically witnessed the attack, yet did nothing to intervene or help out. She ultimately died in the arms of a stranger who finally took the time to check on her, but nearly an hour after the attack started.

Why in the world, knowing someone was in danger, would that many people fail to act to help her? That’s what psychologists wanted to know, so they set out to find out the cause behind the inaction. What they discovered was sobering. When questioned why they hadn’t acted, some of the responses from the neighbors were:

“I didn’t want to get involved.”
“Others were watching the attack too. Surely they were going to call the police.”
“I didn’t want to get involved in a lover’s quarrel.”
“It was none of my business.”

and most disturbing…

“I was tired.”

Or consider this scenario.

You are at home one Friday night, watching a movie and enjoying time with the family. Suddenly, the power goes out and you’re left in the dark. Luckily, the phone is still working, so you get your flashlight and look up the number to the power company so you can call them. Or do you? Is there really any reason to call? After all, everyone else in the neighborhood is affected too, and surely your neighbor has already called. No need to call them and add to the number of calls coming in.

While the research conducted by psychologists was primarily focused on the actions of people during emergencies, they discovered that people tended to respond more quickly based on several factors, with one seeming to weigh more heavily than others. During the studies, response to emergencies was correlated to the degree of responsibility the person felt when witnessing the emergency. And that degree of responsibility was a factor of three questions that the person played out in their minds.

Was this person deserving of help?
The competence of the person witnessing the emergency.
The relationship between the witness and the person in duress.

Essentially, the more the witness liked the person, the more they felt capable of helping, and whether or not they knew the person had a direct impact on their response.

There are lessons for us as leaders when we’re working with our peers from the Bystander Effect. If you are experiencing ‘crickets’ when you ask for help in solving problems, there are lessons from the incident in 1964 that can help you gain more support, and ultimately make the organization better for it. What are some of the things you need to be doing BEFORE you need help from your team?

Act in the best interest of others – As you look at the findings of the psychologists after the death of Kitty Genovese, one of the key things they noticed was how people reacted to the person being assaulted. The question that the observer started with was “is this person deserving of my help?” The only way they would know that would be either from observation (is the person needing help obviously overwhelmed or vulnerable) or personal knowledge of your behaviors (how do they treat others?). The best way to be sure they see you as deserving is to see you treating others the same way. If you tend to worry about yourself, your reputation, and your own needs first and foremost, people will see it. Especially your peers. Before the time comes you need their help, be sure you are giving it to them when they needed it.
Help them understand your role – Too many times, people tend to focus so much on their role in the organization that they don’t take time to learn what others (especially their peers) do. The old adage of ‘seek first to understand’ is key here. You need to be interested in your peer’s role, their responsibilities and their struggles if you want them to ever learn about yours. Once you have that trust, bring them into your world and help them know more about what you do. This ends up increasing the competency of both of you, and gives you a better understanding of where this person might be able to help you when you need it. You should ask people to help with things you know they can do to avoid the competence avoidance reaction.
Develop REAL relationships – Nothing is more frustrating than to look at your peers and realize they know nothing about you outside the work world. One of the most powerful ties that human beings can develop is a shared struggle or achievement. When you go through something challenging together, you really get to know the people beside you. But, it’s better to develop that relationship before something challenges the two of you. The more you know, the more likely they are to help you, and the more likely you are to help them. Take the time to get to know them as a person, not just as a co-worker.

Once you’ve mastered the relationships with your number one team, how can you call on them to help you when you need it and avoid the Bystander Effect? How can you get them to jump in and help you as one of the team, looking out for the good of the whole? While there’s no silver bullet for every situation, I think there are a few things you can do to increase the odds that you won’t be left holding the bag when you need the help of everyone.

Work together to find a solution – When you need the help of your peers to get something done together, remember it’s not just your problem. Once you ask them for help, it’s become their problem as well. In some ways, you are actually letting the monkey jump to their back, so you need to work with them to figure out how to make the monkey go away. Get their ideas, use their feedback, and above all else, value their input, even if it isn’t what you had in mind.
Clearly define the deliverables – I have been in many meetings with my peers where a problem was debated, and a set of solutions was actually agreed to. Everyone could look around the table and agree that the solution had been decided. But, the Bystander Effect quickly takes over once the solution is agreed to. People suddenly have meetings to attend, issues to resolve and other things more important, and quickly want to disperse. Actually, people do this so they can avoid the inevitable decision on who is going to do what. So, before there is any pause in the solution, clearly define what deliverables need to be created. This gets people that much closer to ownership of the problem with you.
Ask for specific help – Once you’ve defined the deliverables, you need to ask people to take specific items while you have their attention. Undoubtedly, you are hoping that everyone will pitch in from the goodness of their heart (and for the team), but remember what we learned. There is always an assumption that ‘someone else’ is going to step up and take care of things. Besides, surely someone else is better skilled in the particular need that you have. Sorry, people aren’t typically going to take on additional work without someone asking them directly. Don’t be shy….ask for their commitment.
Put it in writing – Here is where things tend to fall apart the quickest. Even if you are able to get people to sign up and agree to help you, they can quickly lose sight of their commitment if they don’t see it in writing. One of the most famous authors on this subject is Robert Cialdini, the author of the seminal book ‘Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion’ says that once someone puts their name in writing on something, they feel an obligation to fulfill what they committed to. In other words, people want to be congruent with their words and actions, and the act of putting it in writing increases your odds that they will follow through.
Follow up to conclusion – Even if everything else has gone well so far, it becomes far too easy for people to fall back on old habits if you don’t remind them of their role. Just like volunteers, people get busy in their own responsibilities and will forget that they committed to do something to help the team. Holding them accountable by regular reminders will help keep this commitment front and center of their attention and move them along to completion.

If you are finding yourself frustrated with your peers, seeing them back away from responsibility to the rest of the team, it doesn’t have to mean everything will fall on you. Just remember that the reaction is normal, and to overcome it, you need to get them beyond the Bystander Syndrome. Help them see the benefit and commitment to the rest of the team, and model your behavior so when the time comes for them to step up, they’ll know who ‘Team #1’ is.

I’m sure we’ve all faced this exact situation. What have you learned that was successful in gaining the buy-in of your peers? Share with the group….

How To Deal With The Person Who Has No Filter

April 12, 2016 By John T Mason 17 Comments

Not long ago, I was sitting in a discussion where the topic was fairly controversial and the opinions of the group seemed to vary pretty dramatically. In fact, it really seemed as if there were becoming two ‘camps’ on the topic, and the camps were pretty far apart. During the conversation, someone behind me mumbled to themselves out loud a disparaging remark about a comment the other side was making. It struck me that the person really needed to turn on their filter, and likely didn’t realize what they were doing. In fact, this is one of those times where I wanted to turn around and ask them if they knew they just said it out loud!

We all have those moments though. We let our emotions, thoughts and frustrations take control of our mouths and we end up saying things we wish we hadn’t. But as a leader, it’s important that you realize the impact your words, even unintentional, can have on your team and credibility. Even in this age of ‘saying it like it is’, as a leader you really don’t have that luxury if you intend to maintain your influence on the team or organization.

But what causes some people to be able to control their emotions and their tongue during stressful or contentious conversations, and others just seem to say what’s on their mind openly, and without a filter? I’m not talking about a person who has the confidence to share their opinion or voice their concerns openly in a constructive way. That isn’t what this is about. I am talking about the person who mumbles under their breath, blurts out negative responses to a conversation or says things that are totally inappropriate for the moment. Or, sometimes it’s the person who just Can’t. Stop. Talking.

The term ‘without a filter’ is a pretty common one used today to describe a person who speaks without tact, seems to blurt out their thoughts or is generally seen as very blunt. The phrase comes from the idea that your mouth says what your brain thinks without consideration to the audience, situation or time. But, being frank or blunt does not mean you lack a filter. In fact, depending on the culture of where you are, or where you’re from, it might actually be normal or considered necessary.

But, lacking a filter is really something different. When someone ‘lacks a filter’, it means that they don’t give consideration to the audience, and often end up saying things that are rude, condescending, or downright mean. Telling someone they are an idiot during a meeting, making a crass comment about another person’s mis-fortune, or cracking an inappropriate joke out loud could all fall into this category.

People who lack a filter often aren’t aware that they lack it. They have likely been told before, and might even make light of the trait, but ultimately, they don’t make any changes because they don’t really see it as an issue. They quickly defend themselves and say that this is ‘just who they are’ or ‘how they were raised.’ I once worked with someone who lacked a filter, and while it was discussed several times, he insisted he was from Chicago, and ‘that’s just how we are.’ Strangely, I’ve worked with many other people from Chicago, and they didn’t act like this person, so I suspect he was just making an excuse, or I misunderstood which Chicago he was from!

As a leader, having the ‘no filter Fred’ on your team can be a real problem. Since they lack judgement on what to say, and when to say it, they end up creating hard feelings with the team, alienate customers, and generally run roughshod over the organization. No matter what people say, they just don’t add value to the team, and create a difficult workplace for everyone.

So, what can you do when you have a ’no filter Fred’ on the team? The list below is an escalating set of steps you can follow to help change the behavior, and restore sanity to the team.

Point out the behavior early – If you are a new leader to the team, the worst thing you can do is to let this go on for too long. After the first meeting where you observe the behavior, you need to pull the team member aside and let them know that you noticed the unfiltered comments. It’s important that you are specific with them, and give them concrete examples of what they said, and how it was perceived by you, and the team.
Coach for comments – Once you have identified the offender, and you’ve pointed out their behavior, you need to keep an eye out for future behaviors. If it continues, coaching the employee before meetings is the next step. Pull them aside before a meeting starts (any meeting where you think they are likely to continue their behavior) and let them know that you expect they will control their comments, and you will be watching. If this person needs to present, or have a more formal speaking role, you should give them some examples of how they can word the more controversial topics and input. Don’t leave this up to chance. Remember, they are saying what they think, so helping them think differently will help them say things differently.
Put it in writing – If the person hasn’t picked up your guidance to this point, it is likely time to start documenting the behavior. At this point, it doesn’t need to be a formal counseling session (unless the behavior is egregious) but an opportunity for you to give them something to take with them to read over several times, and focus on what you are telling them. Just like the early coaching, you need to provide concrete examples of what they said, who they said it to, and how it impacts the team. In these examples, be sure to include the perceived impact that you think the behavior is having on the team and you. Your perception should matter to them (remember, you’re the leader), so make sure you tell them how you are starting to think about them as a team member.
Try a face to face – This step might not work in all cases, but sometimes having another team member sit with you to talk to the offender can have an impact as well. Preferably, having someone who is willing to tell them how they come across, and share examples of how it makes them feel as a co-worker can be effective. But, never put a team member on the spot if they are uncomfortable or feel like they don’t want to confront the employee.
Get formal – At some point, despite your persistence and coaching, people just aren’t willing to change. If that’s the case, it’s time to put the concerns down in a more formal way. Work with your HR department to be sure you are documenting correctly, and have documented all the previous discussions and opportunities you have provided them. When you document, you need to give concrete examples (again) of what is unacceptable. Let the team member know, in no uncertain terms, that the behavior has to stop, and if they can’t make changes, they may be terminated. Remember, this is about the team, no matter how technically proficient the offending person is. No one person is so invaluable that they should be tolerated at the expense of the rest of the team.
Terminate your relationship – Ultimately, if the person hasn’t gotten the message by now, they are likely unwilling to make changes. At this point, it’s best to sever the working relationship and ask the person to leave. While this is never easy, realize that they did this to themselves, and their lack of ability to make changes, or unwillingness to embrace coaching opportunities was the cause of the termination, not you!

In any of the cases above, if you DO see improvements, or them trying hard to make changes, be sure to thank them and encourage them immediately. This isn’t going to be easy for them, and you want to reinforce the good behaviors and expectations you have for them early and often. Hopefully this reinforcement will serve to let them know that change is possible, and better teamwork is ahead. But it doesn’t always work out like we want.

What are the risks of you not addressing the ‘no filter Fred’ on your team? Is it possible that this truly is ‘just the way he is’, and the rest of the team members aren’t as bothered by it as much as you are? Doubtful.

I once had an employee who was badgering the rest of the team members, unbeknownst to me. She was doing this when I wasn’t around, and had become abrasive, abusive and downright rude. Other things had happened as well such as degrading comments out loud with the team, and even making comments about other team members in front of customers. It was a bad situation. Once the behavior came to light, and I began to talk to other team members to get a feel for the behavior, they consistently said that they didn’t say anything because ‘it’s just the way she was’, and figured it would never change.

But what the team didn’t realize was, her behavior was impacting all of them more negatively than they thought. In fact, according to a two decade study by TelAviv University, one of the biggest predictors of an employee’s health was their coworkers. According to their research, employees who had no peer social support (remember, no filter Fred is NOT supportive) were 2.4 times more likely to die than those who had a supportive work team.

The Gallup organization, a national workplace research firm, has a question on their Employee Engagement Survey that asks whether the employee has a best friend at work. The purpose behind this question gets to the same issue. Those employees who have a friend at work, someone they can count on and talk to, are more productive and happier. This happiness directly impacts their overall engagement, and affects everything from turnover to the organizations perception in the community. No filter Fred is hurting your organization much more than you realize.

As a leader, you can’t let no filter Fred continue his reign of destruction. You team is counting on you, and the organization is being negatively impacted the longer you let him continue. Set your mind to do something about it, and do it soon. Your success may depend on it.

Have you ever had a co-worker or team member like no filter Fred? How did you deal with it? What was their reaction when you did?

5 Promising Ways To Win Without Destroying The Team

April 4, 2016 By John T Mason Leave a Comment

Many leaders are by nature ‘Type A’ personalities. You know them. Passionate, driven, competitive and outgoing. The likely got to where they are because of some of these traits, and their ability to continue to lead has a lot to do with their continuing use these traits. Many of the best leaders today, and in the past, were die hard Type A personalities such as Steve Jobs, Dwight Eisenhower and General Norman Schwarzkopf.

Now this isn’t to say that effective leaders can’t also be a ‘Type B’ personality. I have worked with several leaders over the years who exhibited the more laid back, personable style of a Type B, and they have been tremendously effective in their careers, and their teams can be some of the most loyal you will ever see. In fact, some very famous leaders in history were Type Bs such as Winston Churchill and Harry Truman.

Whether you consider yourself an ‘A’ or a ‘B’, the reality is that to be effective as a leader, you really need to be a combination of the two. Without a smart blend of motivation, drive and competitive edge, you are likely to struggle with holding your team and organization accountable. But, if you are missing the ability to be laid back at the appropriate time, to be a relationship builder, and to know when to back off of the need to win at all costs, you will undoubtedly struggle to maintain a strong and cohesive team.

Not known to many is how these ‘types’ came to be. The actual ‘Type A’ personality was originally a designation identifying those people who had a higher risk of coronary heart disease. In the 1950s, two cardiologists, Dr. Meyer Friedman and Dr. Ray Rosenman, began an eight year study of healthy men (yes, just men….it was the 1950s!) between the ages of 35 and 59. They theorized that those men with a personality that was more impatient, and even chronically angry, had a higher chance of developing coronary artery disease (CAD). They decided on the study when they noticed that the chairs in their office were unusually worn on the front edge of the seat instead of in the middle or back. They postulated that this was because the typical patient they were seeing was more ‘on edge’ (pardon the play on words) and anxious and tended to sit forward in their seat, ready to spring at a moments notice.

During the study, they asked subjects who were more prone to be more driven and always feeling pressed for time, to do things that were against their nature. For example, they asked their subjects to leave their watches at home, to pick longer lines at checkout, and to spend more time talking with people. It was infuriating to the Type A personality, but quickly helped the researchers to make the correlation to those who had CAD. They were able to make a connection between the personality type and the ultimate diagnosis of CAD in these individuals, and labeled them as ‘Type A’, a name that sticks with us today.

So, while leaders who are more impatient, focused and competitive tend to be results driven, they also have a greater risk of long-term impacts on the organization in poor health and the stress they may cause others. In fact, Friedman was quoted as saying that “Type A personalities who succeed do so in spite of their impatience and hostility.” Ouch!

But what of the ‘Type B’? Is their personality and reduced likelihood of health problems a good thing, and can it make a more effective leader? With all of the baggage that comes with being labeled a Type A, there is as much baggage, if not more, for those who are Type B. Especially in the business world.

A Type B personality has a tendency to be more laid back in their approach, and tend to enjoy a more steady pace. When they lose, they also tend to avoid the mental and physical stress that their counter Type A feels, and don’t necessarily view competition as something to be won, but can be happy with the competition itself. But in the world of dollars and cents, winning is everything, and losing is failure, right? So, being a Type B must be a liability.

Not so fast. Think back to the origination of this personality designation. Remember, the study was conducted to find out the correlation between a person’s ‘traits’ and their health. Ultimately, the study found that those who got designated as a Type A were more than twice as likely to develop CAD than a Type B. But further study found that it was one specific trait of the Type A that seemed to impact this more than any other. Hostility. So, maybe being a Type A is good for business, but certain traits such as hostility have an impact not only on your health, but the health of the organization as well.

I once worked for a Type A. He was everything that you could think of in a Type A. He was focused, competitive, anxious for resolution to issues, and time pressured. He worked long hours, often well into the night, and wore that as a badge of honor, making sure others knew how hard he worked. But it was one trait that made him most unpleasant. He had a short fuse, and you really weren’t sure when he was going to go off. His seemingly unpredictable manner made him someone that you tended to walk softly around, and even when you didn’t think you were involved, he might pull you in to blow up on you just because you were nearby. To say the least, this was an unpleasant job, and the culture of the team matched it. In short, he was hostile, and the workplace was a mess because of him.

What does all this mean to you as a leader? If you are a Type A leader in all its glory, what can you learn from a Type B that will make you more successful? Here are 5 areas that you might consider focusing on as a Type A to make you more effective in your role.

Emotions (Go with the Flow)– Whether you want to admit it or not, as a Type A, you are more likely to become agitated when things don’t go your way. You likely find that it is much easier for people to ‘push your buttons’, and when plans don’t work as you expected, you are more likely to show your displeasure in a verbal and visual way. Yelling, snarky comments, and even facial expressions of disapproval only serve to alienate your team, and ultimately become your ‘legacy’. Your ability to control your emotions and be more measured in your response to bad news will go a long way to improving the culture of your team.
Competitiveness (Enjoy the competition, not the win)– Competition is healthy and good for the organization. In fact, I would say that incorporating a sense of competition and urgency in your organization is necessary and important. Without it, people become comfortable and lose their drive to improve and succeed. But, when competition comes at the expense of the people working in the organization, it can quickly become toxic. Pitting team members against each other, comparing their results in public forums, and focusing on a pecking order amongst the team doesn’t work unless they are all Type A personalities as well. In fact, this can backfire and actually make the team more complacent. Not everyone is motivated the same way, so you have to be sure to adjust your style and level of competitiveness to the individual. Without it, you can come across like the school yard bully who wants to win at all costs. No one likes to play with a bully.
Organization (Stop overcommitting) – Type A personalities are classic multi-taskers. Because of the sense of urgency and desire to win, they can take on more than is reasonable, and are more likely to do the work themselves instead of delegating. In fact, multiple studies indicate that multi-tasking (task switching to be more accurate) actually makes you less effective and more prone to error. One study conducted by Dr. Ira E. Hyman from Western Washington University found that a simple task like talking on the phone while walking significantly reduced the ability of a person to recognize their environment and those around them. In their study, they targeted people who were walking and talking on the phone, and placed a clown on a unicycle in the vicinity, then asked them if they noticed it while walking by. Less than 25% of the people talking on the phone while walking noticed the clown, compared to over 70% of those who were just walking alone, or walking and talking with a friend. The lesson? If you are Type A, and prone to fill your calendar thinking you can multi-task, you are more likely to miss important details, and certainly likely to miss the people that work for you as well. Reduce your urge to multi-task, and be present in the moment.
Standards (Learn when ‘good enough’ is good enough) – One thing is sure about Type A personalities. They tend to err towards perfection, and their internal drive to compete and win often leads them to think of how they might have been just a bit better, or what they could have done differently to win next time. Improvement is a great thing, and I encourage everyone to learn from the past, and make improvements for the future. But, when the standards are so high that no one can meet them, it can have a negative effect on the person, and the organization they lead. By never seeing results as good enough, or acceptable, you are setting the organization up for frustration and failure. As a Type A, you have to learn what things need perfection (financials or taking care of patients for example) and what things can get by with good enough.
Listening (There might just be another way) – Another common characteristic of a Type A is their sense that they have already figured out things and that others process too slowly. You’ve likely seen this manifested in the person who is fidgety, and tends to interrupt other people’s thought with nods, ‘uh huh’s and other forms of interruption. Essentially, they are processing things and are trying to send the message that it’s time to move on, and they have a decision in mind. But, as a Type A, it’s critical that you learn to listen closely, and leverage the knowledge of those around you. While speed and impatience might be your hallmark, quick decisions aren’t always in the best interest of you or the team. Taking the time to be a bit more deliberative and thoughtful will only serve to make your team feel heard, and allow you to make a more informed decision.

While this post was focused heavily on the Type A personality, it’s important to point out that Type Bs aren’t perfect either. The tendency to be a bit more thoughtful in approach, and willingness to let less than perfect be ok, can send the message to others (especially Type As) that you don’t care, aren’t motivated, and perhaps have lower standards. While it might not be true, as a Type B, you need to make sure that you are learning from the Type As in your life and become more action-oriented.

In the end, neither personality type is the “right” type for leadership. It takes all kinds to lead organizations, and the more you can incorporate different styles, attitudes and behaviors, the more likely you will see success.

What about you? If you are a Type A, do you see any traits in Type Bs you wish you had? What about you Type Bs? What can you learn from the Type As around you?

How To React To Disappointment

March 29, 2016 By John T Mason Leave a Comment

“I have to say I’m really disappointed.” Those were the words from someone who I had just let know that they didn’t get a job that they applied for. It’s never easy to tell someone bad news, and certainly more difficult for the person receiving it. In this case, this person had applied for an open position in the organization, and they felt sure it was theirs for the taking. But, it was a stretch, and the odds of finding someone with more experience in preparation for the role was high.

I understood the frustration and disappointment. They had worked hard, and felt that they really were ready for the new role. In this case, they could have done the job, but someone else applied that had characteristics that were critical to the role, and it just wasn’t the right fit for them. There would be other opportunities, and they were sure to be able to take advantage when the right position came along. The good news was this person took it well, acted professionally, and focused their efforts on making sure the person who did get the promotion was a success. Unfortunately, this isn’t always the way it turns out.

It’s inevitable. You are going to find yourself mentally ready for a new position, and if you’ve been with the company for any length of time, you are likely going to feel like your loyalty and tenure will count for something. But, it’s also likely that you are not going to get a position for which you feel you deserve. And when that happens, hurt, frustration and apathy are sure to take over.

Unfortunately, I am finding more often that people have an expectation of promotion at a much faster pace than they ever did in the past. At the risk of sounding like the ‘old curmudgeon’, it seems that ‘earning your stripes’ and ‘paying your dues’ doesn’t apply as much any more. That said, even those who have put in their time are still going to be passed over occasionally, and the hurt and anger can be real.

I can remember one young man that joined our organization straight out of college and was motivated to do a great job. The first 3 months were a whirlwind for him, and he did everything he could to learn about the job, expand his skills, and impress those he was working with. In fact, he was quickly making a name for himself, and I could see some real potential.

But, at about the 4 month point, he knocked on my door one day and told me he thought he was ready for a ‘promotion.’ However, we didn’t really have a promotion process. The way you moved up in our organization was to apply for, and take on, a new role. In other words, we didn’t take jobs and lift them up, but instead had a fixed number of roles, and you had to apply when someone moved up, or out, of the company.

When I explained that to this young man, he seemed a bit surprised, but took the news and thanked me for the time. I was sure that I had handled it well, and he understood the need to wait for the right role to show up. But, to my surprise, his name came up just a couple of months later for a job that was one level up from where he was. He had applied, and the hiring manager wanted to know what I thought.

While he had been with the company for a short time, I could see some real potential, and was open to the idea of the manager taking him on if they selected him for the position. So, when the manager indicated he wanted to hire him, I supported the move, and had a talk with the young man about his performance, and the new expectations that we would have.

The young man took to the new role very well, and I was pleased to see that he had embraced the position and its responsibilities. He was definitely ready for the role,and embraced it wholeheartedly. However, he did have some learning to do, and made a few minor mistakes that indicated to me and his manager that he was going to do a great job once he had a few years of experience under his belt.

One day about six or seven months, later, the young man was back at my door, and pronounced that he wanted to apply for a Director role in the organization. The position had just come open, and he felt sure that he was ready to take on the responsibility. (Remember, at this point he was just about one year out of college with the organization) To say that he wasn’t ready to take a two-level promotion goes without saying. We had a talk, and I told him that, while he was doing a good job and working hard, he just wasn’t ready to take on a role of this scope, and I felt he needed to keep his current role for a few more years to gain some experience.

His reaction to this conversation has stuck with me ever since. He quickly became defensive and angry. He told me, in no uncertain terms, that he WAS ready, and he felt he was just as qualified as any one else in the organization. He also said that he felt like this was a vote of no confidence for him, and perhaps he just needed to be looking elsewhere in the organization if time in a role was the only criteria. Of course, that wasn’t the only reason for my reluctance, but he couldn’t hear what I was telling him.

He left the meeting that day, and within two months, had left our department and moved on to another department in the organization. He let his emotions and anger cloud his reason, and wasn’t able to hear what he had been told, or take the advice to heart. Sad for him, and for our team.

While I had hoped he took the coaching and guidance, I learned that not everyone feels the same way I do about moving up. I found out that day that the title and promotion have a lot to do with some people’s self-worth and value. Unfortunate, but true.

So, what can you do when you find yourself being passed over for a promotion or new opportunity? How should you respond and what lessons can you take away from the news that will make you better next time?

Realize that people see things you can’t – While we all have a perspective of ourselves, and that self-perception is likely based on real thoughts, biases and behaviors, we also have blind spots that others see. Assuming that the person who was responsible for promoting you was acting in good faith and based their decision on real and perceived capabilities, you have to realize that they likely see some of your potential shortfalls for the role.
React, but do it in private – One of the worst things you can do is react negatively to the person delivering the bad news, or to the organization at large. We’re all human, and getting bad news is never a good thing. While we all feel hurt and frustrated when we don’t get something we deserve, letting others know publicly only makes you look petty and childish. Find a confidant, and vent your frustrations, but never, ever, do this in public!
Check your motivation – Hopefully you did this before you applied and interviewed for the new role, but understanding why you want the position is important. On more that one occasion, I have had people interview for a role, and it was clear early on that they really were more concerned about a raise, or a new title. Unfortunately, this comes across even if you don’t want it to, and might have had an impact on the final decision. If you didn’t evaluate your internal motivations before the interview and decision, it’s time to do that now, and make sure that you are seeking promotions because you want to add more value or expand your career opportunities. Don’t get me wrong, I am not advocating that money should never be a consideration, but if it’s the primary one, people WILL know!
Ask for feedback – Once you’ve had a chance to accept the news, ask someone involved in the interview process for some feedback. It’s critical that you make it clear you want this feedback in order to grow, and to have an idea of what things you need to work on to be more prepared in the future. If they have any sense that you are coming to them to ‘plead your case’ or try to change their minds, they will likely refuse to meet with you. Even if they did, they won’t come into it with your best interests in mind, and will likely be reticent to give you honest information.
Put your feedback on a plan – Once you have some good, honest feedback from your interviewer, make a plan to improve. I would recommend you write the key traits or characteristics you need to improve down, and start planning on how you can make changes. Sometimes these will be new skills or experiences, and sometimes they might be personality traits that you need to become more self-aware of. In any case, what you plan for, you are likely to do, so make a plan for more education, experiences, or even coaching if appropriate.
Show progress – I highly recommend that if you were working with your manager for the promotion, you show them that you took the feedback seriously, and want to be ready for the next opportunity. Adding some of the recommendations to your performance review, and then tracking your progress show them that you took the feedback constructively. By making it part of your personal goals, they will get the sense that you really want to be more valuable to the organization, and not just looking for the next raise.
Get busy – If you’ve done everything you can to recover from the disappointing news, that’s not the end of it. One of the more subtle impacts of disappointment is apathy. You’ve been passed up, you’ve accepted the results, but now you just aren’t that motivated to put forth your best effort. Don’t let apathy become your downfall. This is no time to slack off and try to send a message, intentionally or otherwise. Now is the time to redouble your efforts and show them that, while you weren’t the choice, you are worth watching and ready for the next promotion.

If you’ve ever had to deliver bad news to a candidate, what reactions have you seen, and how did you perceive the person based on their reactions? What have you learned after getting passed up for promotion?

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